KRR: So, 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service' Isn't Quite What I Remembered.

This is the third and final review under the theme "Sports" Movies That Don't Really Get Made Anymore. If you haven't read this first two, check them out at Million Dollar Mermaid and Point Break. And before we get into the review itself, I want to address the elephant in the room. Yes, this is the 1969 James Bond film. No, it is not technically a sports movie, nor does it meet the criteria "movies that don't really get made anymore" since a new Bond movie gets made every four years. To be entirely truthful, this film doesn't fit any of the qualifiers for this theme. But I also couldn't help myself, so here we are: On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

It's always a gamble when you revisit the things you were fond of as a child. You're always rolling the dice: Will it hold up? Will I still love it? Will I discover that it's actually awful? I took this exact gamble this summer by rewatching one of my favorite childhood sci-fi movies, Signs. Really bad. Like seriously, a very bad movie. I had always thought it was brilliant. But no, it has so many problems. Of course, I still love it and will always remember it more fondly than it deserves, but I can't go on saying, "It's a good movie." And now, despite my better judgements and the lessons I learned from Signs, I'm doing that again with On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

This Bond film, the sixth in series and the first not to star Sean Connery as the leading man, has been one of my favorite 007 films ever since the first time I saw it. It features George Lazenby in his breakout and sole performance as Bond skiing around the Alps trying to stop a madman from committing mass extinction. What I remembered most about On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the skiing. I've always remembered it as a skiing movie. That's why we're doing it here this week. 

However, upon rewatch, I've found out that this movie is really not a skiing movie. I've also discovered, much like with Signs, that this movie might just not be good. I'm still not sure. But I do know what is good - this four minute trailer featuring every good moment in the movie.

-SPOILERS AHEAD-

Gosh, I don't even know where to start with this movie. I don't want to start at the beginning. It's so bad. The first 45 minutes are mind numbing in their boredom. I started watching this yesterday, fell asleep, woke up, started rewatching it, and then fell asleep again, all in the first 45 minutes. That's a true story. That really happened. It's very, very bad. The plot apparently follows the book it's based on quite closely, which might be why it's so utterly convoluted. Meeting after meeting after meeting, just so we can have some semi-legitimate excuse for having James Bond infiltrate the evil Blofeld's mountaintop base in Switzerland. The story makes no sense, I feel completely uncompelled to care about it even if it did make sense, and I got two good naps. Not a great start for this film.

But once Mr. Bond makes it to the Alps, that's when this movie gets interesting, because that's when the action and intrigue really starts. And that's what we came for. We don't watch Bond movies for the story. We don't care that the villain wants to destroy the world for no good reason - although, the villainous motives in this film are by far some of the shakiest in the series - all we care about is seeing action (and women).

Bond infiltrates the base under the disguise of a genealogist from the London College of Arms. He is there to verify Blofeld's obviously fake claim that he is the rightful heir to a large Swiss fortune. It's all rather confusing and quite frankly stupid, and I had to pause the movie to check the IMDb synopsis and make sure I understood what was happening correctly. Dumb. It's dumb. But anyway, this is the disguise. 

Obviously, not dumb.

At this secret base, Bond finds about a dozen gorgeous women from around the world who are being hypnotized to cure their allergies. Yeah, you read that right. Blofeld's master plan begins with curing food allergies and only gets more ridiculous from there. Of course, in classic Bond fashion, 007 woos a number of these women, setting real dates to see some of them at 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, and 10 o'clock respectively. Are these dates so we can find out Blofeld's evil plan? No. They're to fuck. He fucks these women like nonstop all night long. They fell for him while he was wearing that! Scroll back up. THAT!

Anyway, it's all very suave and silly, but hey, that's why we watch these movies. But then Blofeld figures out that the man in the dress isn't actually a genealogist (duh) and is actually a secret agent there to stop him. This leads to one of my favorite chases in any Bond film and the reason I remember this film so fondly - the skiing chase. 

This scene is nuts. First of all, they're all excellent skiers. Like supremely excellent. I can't imagine it's easy to find henchmen who are willing to kill at the drop of the hat and live on a mountaintop in the Alps, but holy shit, where did Blofeld find these guys who are willing to do all that and who are excellent skiers. He really hit a goldmine with these guys. (It should be noted that Blofeld isn't half bad at skiing himself.) Unfortunately for him almost all of them die in this chase. Bond's killing these folks left and right. Smacking 'em into trees, crushing their throats with skis, sending them hurtling off cliffs. He really does a number on the bad guys' crew here.

While that's fun and all though, the real reason I like this scene is because it captures all of the technical aspects that make On Her Majesty's Secret Service so good. The editing is slick as hell, the framing is magnificent, the costuming is so good you never get confused between the good guy and the bad guys, and the score - oh my god, the score! Really one of my favorite Bond soundtracks. So well done. Louis Armstrong helms the music in this film. I've been humming the score to myself all day. It's just so excellent. And yeah, the skiing is fun. It's cool. It's what sticks with you about this movie. You don't care about Blofeld and his nonsensical plan. You don't care about the meetings in the first 45 minutes. You don't care about harem of women whose allergies have been cured. You care about the skiing. That shit's awesome. 

Of course when Bond makes it down the mountain and into the little Swiss village, he isn't quite out of the clear. He's still hiding from Blofeld's henchmen when he spots the woman he had become entangled with in the first half of the movie, Tracy, played by the wonderful Diana Rigg.

Rest in Peace Diana Rigg.

What Tracy, an English woman born to a Portuguese father (?), is doing in this Bavarian village in the middle of the night, I don't fucking know. That's never explained whatsoever. But is it a good thing for Bond. Tracy whisks him away in her car. Yet, the chase continues. This leads to a great chase sequence where Tracy and Blofeld's crew race around an ice derby, crashing into each other and presumably killing many innocent people. It's a clusterfuck, but man is it fun. Then they hide out in a barn, make love amongst the horses, and Bond proposes.

And basically this is how the rest of the movie goes. Chase scenes and love scenes. Yeah, there's some nonsense about how Blofeld wants amnesty from the United Nations or he'll kill everyone on Earth, but nobody really cares about that. As a general rule, if I hear the word "amnesty" in a movie, I check out. Gimme them sweet, sweet slopes instead. And they do.

The best part of this movie is the second skiing chase, featuring what's left of the great skiing henchmen from the first chase plus the additions of Tracy and an avalanche. I don't wanna repeat myself a million times and there's not much more to say about this scene, so please just watch it. It's just a great scene. 

Skiing sure looks great when other people are doing it. I can't stand being outside when it drops below 50. Also, they made an avalanche in the sixties for this dumb little movie. Incredible. 

After this scene the movie plays out exactly how you'd think it would. Blofeld's base explodes. All of the henchmen die in a giant gunfight. Blofeld himself is killed in a bob sleigh fight scene. Bond gets the girl. The harem of women are either killed or freed or something. That's also not really explained. Honestly, the story is really lacking in this movie. I think they spent too much time perfecting the technical aspects and not enough time writing a coherent screenplay. Also, George Lazenby - not an actor. I wonder when they realized that? 

Where this Bond film departs from the slew of others is in its ending, because while I've railed against the writing in this movie, the ending is really quite something. If this rather meh review has left you wanting to watch the movie, this is probably where you should stop reading. If you continue, let it be because you don't want to watch a subpar movie for two good skiing scenes, a curling scene, a bob sleigh scene, and a twist ending. (I know! Curling and bob sleighing! It's basically Winter Olympics - The Movie!) Anyway, the ending - let's get to that.

So, at the end of this movie, Bond retires and marries Tracy. It's all very heartfelt. All of the good guys are reunited and Mr. and Mrs. Bond drive off in this beautiful English car covered in flowers. Then, Bond stops the car so he and his new wife can share a moment gazing out upon the ocean. Only then does a car pull up alongside them and we see that Blofeld, who we assumed had seriously fucking died, is actually alive. He pulls out a machine gun and sprays the car down. Bond, on the driver's side - which in Europe, is the wrong side, is somehow unscathed. But then the camera pans over to Tracy, and we see her slumped over - a gunshot wound to the head. It's a tragic twist. Blofeld peels off, while Bond takes his now deceased wife in his arms. He cries(!!!) and the credits roll. 

Thanks to George Lazenby, grown men can now cry.

It's honestly a pretty shocking and well done finale to a pretty shockingly not well done movie. I had completely forgotten this is how On Her Majesty's Secret Service ended. It was certainly not one of the things I remembered fondly about this movie. But it probably will be now. This movie is not great, in any sense of the word, but its best moments rank among some of the best in the entire franchise. Despite not being a very good actor, I wish George Lazenby had done more of these movies. I wish there were more skiing scenes in action movies, by and large. And I wish more movies sacrificed good writing for better technical aspects.

Wait, no. That last one isn't true. I wish more movies were better written. That's what I meant to say. 'Cause when I go back to revisit my childhood favorites, it kind of sucks to realize how poorly written some of them are. That's definitely the case for On Her Majesty's Secret Service. That being said - it's still my favorite skiing movie.

I doubt it'll lose that crown anytime soon.

"This never happened to the other fellow."

On Her Majesty's Secret Service KRR: 7.3/10