So, Shut the Fuck Up and Listen.

I wanted to sit down and write a review about that new Angelina Jolie movie. I don't even fucking care about that movie. It's just a way to flex my writing muscles. Practice makes perfect. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's some practice I actually care about.

Lil Nas X released a song tonight: "SUN GOES DOWN." A song about how growing up gay made him feel suicidal - obviously not because he was gay, but because of how awful people are, how ugly they are, how blatantly, aggressively unwilling they are to just accept someone for who they are.

I grew up with a gay mom. I was raised in an accepting and open household. And yet, I still don't feel comfortable with my sexuality. I think most of my friends and family are unaware that I am not straight. There's no easy way to casually remind people that you aren't straight.

"Hey, I've fucked men." That's aggressive. You don't just drop that line. But you know what, I'm so tired of trying to figure out how to put things delicately.

I am madly in love with someone who is nonbinary. They use they/them pronouns. They are not a man; they are not a woman. They are nonbinary. They are trans. And guess what, it doesn't fucking matter what genitals they have. Don't ask. Freak. 

(And if someone laughs at my partner, if someone dismisses them, if someone can't use the correct pronouns because they choose not to, I'll punch their fucking teeth in.)

So, why am I writing this at 1 in the morning (west coast time baby)? Me, a very queer man who was raised by a single lesbian mom, in a relationship with someone trans? Why can't I just keep my own life private? Because this shit keeps me up at night. Because I've always hated myself for being a "faggot." 

I've? 

I?

I'm up because Lil Nas X, one of god's truest gifts to humanity, is still processing the trauma and repressed emotions he grew up with. He's doing something publicly that I have never been able to do privately. 

Even when there isn't a literal boot on our neck stopping us from being who we are, there is. There is a whole generation of kids growing up who are being told it's okay to be gay, to be queer, to be trans, to be nonbinary - but only if they aren't. "I'm accepting of everybody, but I can't do the pronoun thing." Word. Great. Find a way. "She's trans, but she hasn't had the surgery yet." Word. Great. Thanks a lot, doc. "Yeah, you're gay, but you're not like gay gay" Word. Great. But I am. 

I shouldn't be up crying because a young gay man from Atlanta felt unaccepted growing up, felt unloved, felt suicidal, because of his sexuality - but I am. For Lil Nas X. For me. And I'm crying, because we're the best case scenario. Lil Nas X is quickly making himself one of the most successful musicians of all time. He is proudly waving his pride flag in everyone's face. I - who grew up in... etc. etc. who is in a relationship with... etc. etc. you know the story - am incredibly happy in my gay family. Again: We are the best case scenarios. 

Most queer people, most trans people, most vulnerable people will not be the best case scenarios. So, if they are able to squeak out their pronouns, if they do mention dating someone of the same gender, if they wear that really cute dress - LET THEM. WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

"Live and let live" is some bullshit. Coexist bumper stickers should have left with the Clinton administration. We are well beyond that now. It's time for people to shut the fuck up and listen. Listen. Just hear us. Just give us your ears, your eyes, your attention for 45 seconds, nod, and go on with your day. If I'd had that from even a single friend growing up, I wouldn't have tortured myself for years telling myself I was straight, repressing all of the many feelings I've had for men MY ENTIRE LIFE. I wouldn't be crying to this song right now. I wouldn't be typing an age-old rant onto this useless site. I would be able to sleep at night comfortably in my body. If I'd been able to tell someone, if someone would have listened, a whole lot of the pain I experience would have been prevented. That's it.

No arguing, no conversations, no "but...". Just listen. You may not believe it, but you'll save a life. Just listen. That's all it takes.

"You need an instant ease from the life where you got plenty of every hurt and heartbreak. You just take it all to the face."

p.s. that Angelina Jolie movie sucks (3.9/10)