KRR: So, The 'Million Dollar Mermaid' Deep Dive Nobody Asked For.
It's November 3rd, 2020. Socially and politically speaking, this may be the most important 24-hour stretch of my lifetime. If you're an American with access to the Internet and a pulse, the election is probably the only thing you're thinking about right now. Nothing has preoccupied the minds and lives of the U.S. public quite like this election cycle since 9/11, and for good reason. There is a fair chance that the fate of the American experiment rests on a few thousand votes in half a dozen states. The stakes have never felt higher. And that's why I'm writing this right now - to take my mind off that feeling in my gut. If you're reading this, I hope it's able to do that for you too, even for just a few moments.
Million Dollar Mermaid. I know you haven't seen it. That's okay. Don't watch it. You definitely don't need to. Million Dollar Mermaid, which I can't say without accidentally saying Million Dollar Baby first, is a 1952 aqua-fitness-musical-biopic starring the lovely Esther Williams as real-life Annette Kellerman, the Australian performer who revolutionized the world of swimming with her scandalous one piece bathing suit. The film follows Annette's rise to fame and her rocky relationship with her promoter-turned-lover James Sullivan, played by Victor Mature. To be quite frank, it's not a very good movie. The story is just as cliché as it sounds, the performances are over the top, and it has some less than desirable moments in cinema history.
That being said, Million Dollar Mermaid is the first in what's to come here at 'So': a triad of reviews about movies connected by a common theme. This week that theme is "Sports" Movies That Don't Really Get Made Anymore. And so we begin with the crown jewel of synchronized swimming films (a huge genre), the Oscar nominated, Bambi nominated, "miracle of M-G-M musicals" - Million Dollar Mermaid.
Where to begin with this movie? Why don't I start by telling you why I watched it: my mom. My mother always has the best movie recommendations. If Mama recommends a movie, I'm going to watch it, because - for better or for worse - there's always a reason she remembers a movie, even if she isn't sure what that reason is. Here's how those conversations usually go:
Mom: You should watch an Esther Williams movie.
Todd: A what?
Mom: Esther Williams. She was a swimmer. She made swimming movies.
Todd: Oh okay, like sports movies?
Mom: No, like swimming movies. *opens IMDb* Watch Million Dollar Mermaid. That was the one I watched in college.
Todd: Word, I'll watch that then.
*The next day*
Todd: This movie is incredible. There's a kangaroo boxing a man on a boat!
Mom: Hmm. I don't think I actually watched that movie, just some clips. I don't remember.
Todd: What. Why did you recommend it then?
Mom: I always thought those movies looked neat.
My mom is the gay version of Marge Simpson.
And to Mama's credit, this movie is very neat. It's shot in one of the earliest and most proficient uses of Technicolor, meaning the set pieces really pop off the screen. If the swimming gets you in the door, the dazzling visuals are what keep you. We're talking giant waterfalls, giant water slides, giant clams, giant explosions of color and light. Everything about this movie is grandeur. I love that. There's a two minute underwater ballet sequence that would feel slow and unnecessary in most other movies, but because the production value is so high in Million Dollar Mermaid, it doesn't drag at all and instead is quite beautiful.
The other stunning piece about this scene is, of course, Esther Williams. She's phenomenal. I mean truly. How many other actresses can pull off the radiant glow of charisma while pole dancing underwater? She's smiling with her mouth open! UNDERWATER! How did she not die making this movie??
The fact that this movie was successfully made when it was is its most endearing and enduring quality. That and the kangaroo. I can't stress enough that this film unironically features a kangaroo boxing his "trainer." Then, twenty minutes later it has Esther Williams performing various swimming techniques to a crowd who had apparently never seen swimming done before. She demonstrates freestyle three different times with three different names, all of them being presented as "never before seen in America!" Absolutely incredible. Sport for spectacle is cinema's true lost art. To hear a crowd gasp as a woman(!) swims across an above ground pool is one of the most underrated moments in movie history. This whole movie is absurd.
I never before seen swimming technique called the breaststroke.
Those are the good qualities in Million Dollar Mermaid. But here's what doesn't work. Let's start with this film's accent work (or rather, lack thereof). There's a man from Boston who doesn't sound like he's ever been East of the Mississippi. There are at least a handful of British characters with no discernible accents. And two of the three main characters - Annette and her father - are from Australia and the first twenty minutes take place in Australia, and yet NO ONE has an Australian accent. The total disregard for realistic accents in this movie even eclipses the cast of The Hunt for Red October, in which Sean Connery and Tim Curry play Russians with Scottish and English accents respectively. (Rest in peace Sean Connery, for real.)
Okay, what else to pick apart about this damn movie you haven't seen... Well, you're probably wondering what this movie is actually about, so let me tell you: Not much. Annette gets arrested for indecency when she goes to the beach in a one piece bathing suit, and then she and her manager use that to promote her as a carnival attraction. She gets famous. They fall in love. He's a bad person, so she leaves him. Then he tries to fly solo across the country - a really weird plotline in this movie - and crashes instead. She realizes she can't live without him, so she runs back to him. And they, presumably, live happily ever after while she rakes in stage and movie money for synchronized swimming. It's a textbook movie romance, where the plot falls apart in the final twenty minutes to make sure the characters have a happy ending. Boo!!! Give me more swimming!
But you ready for the kicker? I mean the real kicker. The moment that this movie went from absurdly incredible to downright absurd. Just before the final act Annette is on a train when her lost love, James Sullivan, comes into her car with his sidekick, Doc. He's trying to peddle rugs to captive customers stuck on the train. He just doesn't realize the car he entered was Annette's. She's shocked to see him and vice versa, but while they're racking their brains over the coincidence I'm yelling at my screen cause low-'n-behold Doc is standing in the doorway dressed entirely in Native American clothing, INCLUDING A FULL BODY BROWNFACE!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!
THIS MOVIE IS NUTS! AND NO! I WILL NOT BE TURNING OFF CAPS LOCK!
Okay, yes I will, but I really shouldn't. This movie, a musical about synchronized swimming, goes out of its way to be racist. It doesn't even make sense. It's entirely unnecessary, which is saying a lot considering nearly every moment of this movie feels unnecessary.
Million Dollar Mermaid - which I've accidentally typed as Million Dollar Baby at least three times today - is a fun and unnecessarily over the top relic of the 1950s. Should there be more movies like Million Dollar Mermaid? Yeah, totally. Just with less racism and more kangaroo fighting. Is it worth watching? No, not at all. Not even a little bit. It's not even worth reading a review about to be quite honest. Talk about unnecessary.
But if there is one necessity we are owed today, it's a fun distraction from the impending sense of doom. Hopefully this gave you that. It certainly did for me. And please, please remember: We're gonna be alright. Don't stop fighting. And if you feel like taking a stroll back in time, there's always this little musical called Million Dollar Baby.
Oops, I mean Million Dollar Mermaid. Damn it.
Honestly, a better boxing movie than Million Dollar Baby.
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