KRR: So, Maybe 'Marie Antoinette' Didn't Deserve to be Beheaded.

If you've wondered where I've been for the last few days, rest assured - I am okay. I've just been laying around thinking about Netflix's new hit miniseries The Queen's Gambit. My partner and I (like much of the television-viewing world) devoured all seven episodes swiftly, loved them, and were left with an appetite for more. But there isn't any more. So, I've spent the last few days sulking about it. Boo.

Though now I'm back! And I've decided that to honor that wonderful, wonderful show - which if you haven't watched, I urge you to do so - we're going to use the next trio of film reviews to cover movies that fall under the appropriately named theme: The Queen's Gambit. These are movies about queens, above all else. It's not kings (ew), but their much better counterparts that deserve our recognition. It's a shockingly large subgenre of films that have garnered awards for decades (most recently 2018's The Favourite swept through the Oscar gauntlet). But, just as The Queen's Gambit is not a typical show about a queen - the queen in reference is actually the chess piece - these movies are not going to be your typical "royal family films." They're off-kilter looks at what it takes to ascend to the throne above the glass ceiling. And what better way to start The Queen's Gambit than with the most famous queen to ever rule: Marie Antoinette.

-SPOILERS AHEAD-

Let's start right at the top: Sofia Coppola's 2006 biopic starring Kirsten Dunst about Marie Antoinette fucking rocks. If you've seen this movie then you know that's not a controversial take. It literally rocks. It's not all dramatic and dreary like so many movies focused on royalty, but rather, it's a teen dramedy fueled by alt-rock and sugar. Sure, it tells us a story we all already know: Marie married into French royalty as a child, became the Queen of France as a teenager, and lived an obscenely extravagant and rich lifestyle until she was beheaded at 37 during the French Revolution. It's not exactly the most relatable story in the world. Yet somehow, Marie Antoinette is extremely relatable. That's what makes this movie so special.

Okay, so maybe getting married for political reasons at 14 isn't all that relatable, but that age is. What we so often forget about Marie Antoinette when retelling her story is that she was just a child when she was sold off to the circumstances that shaped her. Her husband, only a year older, mind you, was as uninterested in Marie as humanly possible (rather famously). They just weren't right for each other. They were mere children after all!

Watching Kirsten Dunst and Jason Schwartzman, who plays her husband, Louis XVI, step around each other, posturing as a couple "in love" is as silly as it is heartbreaking. Coppola makes the very deliberate choice of making the impotent and unremarkable Louis XVI into a victim of circumstance alongside Marie Antoinette, instead of making him the villain. By retelling the story of two of history's most negligent despots in this way, Coppola is able to turn them into universally understandable characters - children living as freely as possible by rebelling against the system that constricts them.

This should be hung at Versailles.

Sofia Coppola herself feels like a girl getting to live as freely as possible in this movie too. Every single aspect of this film is blown out of proportion, and Coppola directs the hell out of them all. The set design, the costumes, the colors, the cinematography, the landscape shots, the food, the utter decadence that's draped over every extra - they are all stunning in their magnitude. Coppola milks every cent of the forty million dollars Columbia Pictures shelled out to her. This movie costs four times more than the next highest-costing Sofia Coppola project, and that's honestly such a damn shame. She should be given all the money in the world just so we get more sequences like this: 

Ugh. All of that looks amazing. I'm a bitch for dessert, and this whole movie is one big dessert feast. And nowhere is it sweeter than Kirsten Dunst's performance.

It's perfect. It's a flawless performance. Do you know how hard it must be to make one of history's least likable characters appealing to a mass audience? Unbelievably so. But it turns out, if that's what you need done, Kirsten Dunst is your woman. She's the most likable person in every scene (and it isn't close), she's drop dead gorgeous in every second, and - above all else - she makes me root for the bourgeois. For two hours straight I'm just like, "Yes, girl! Eat that cake! Buy those clothes! Put that diamond collar on that cute little pug! You deserve it! NO, YOUR HAIR ISN'T TALL ENOUGH!" If I'd lived through the French Revolution, I would've surely been at the doorsteps of Versailles with a guillotine ready, but for this Marie Antoinette, I'd behead anyone that dare lay a finger on her. She must be protected at all costs. She is the one true Queen worth stanning. 

I would let her murder me. Omg.

Alongside Dunst is the aforementioned Schwartzman, who is equally good, though far less likable. (Can't really knock him for that though. I mean, look who he's up against.) There's also some above-par performances from Rose Byrne, Danny Huston, Asia Argento (though this part was originally gonna go to Angelina Jolie and that would've just been bonkers), and Jamie Dornan. That's right, Jamie Dornan - aka the guy from Fifty Shades of Grey. He's much better in this. There's also a five minute cameo from a young up-and-comer by the name of Tom Hardy! It's wild! Tom Hardy just shows up ninety minutes into this movie, stays for five minutes, and then we never see him again. For my long-time readers, you know how much I like sex during Tom Hardy movies, so that begs the question is Marie Antoinette a good hook-up movie?? (For my not long-time readers, I understand how that comment about my sex life might come off as creepy and unprofessional. Forgive me.)

The answer is unequivocally no. Kirsten Dunst's allure aside, which definitely eclipses whatever sexual charm I may have, I'm just generally more afraid that someone might die having sex during this movie because of all the hedonism. Can you overdose on luxury? It seems at least plausible, and Marie Antoinette would probably get you there. Stay safe. Don't watch this movie and have sex.

Sweet.

Okay, back to the regularly scheduled programming. What doesn't work in this movie? I'll admit, its faults are few and far between, but there are a few. First of all, the soundtrack - an incredible mix of alt-rock tracks and French classical music - is SO good it's distracting. There were far too many times when I was more focused on how much better the music was than the rest of the scene, and while that may sound like a good thing, it isn't. It's like if you ordered a steak with a salad and mashed potatoes, only to find out that the salad dressing was by far the best part of the meal. You'd still enjoy the rest of the meal, but you'd be wondering why the hell it wasn't as good as the dressing.

Second of all - and this is the larger problem - there's not much going on in this movie. Sofia Coppola has a habit of making movies that are style over substance. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Lost in Translation is, in my opinion, one of the greatest movies ever made, in part because of its distinct lack of substance and minimalist style. On the Rocks, on the other hand, is a thoughtless flop because its style is unoriginal and its substance is uninteresting and predictable. Marie Antoinette lies somewhere in between those (though much closer to Lost in Translation). 

There aren't any literary frills going on in the telling of Marie Antoinette's life. There isn't a second layer to the cake, no hidden metaphors about luxurious lifestyles or the plight of the French commoner. No, it's purely an extravagant tale of one woman's rise to fame. We don't even see much of her fall from grace at the end of the movie. There is no beheading, no revolution, no grand proclamations about free will and democracy. It's a stylish flick about wealth that ends on a somber note. We know what happens to her. There's no need for Sofia Coppola to show us. 

An actual picture of my apartment's current condition.

Luckily, I like the style of Marie Antoinette, so I don't particularly mind the lack of substance in the story (or the plot hole in which Kirsten Dunst never gains weight despite gorging herself). Through sheer force of will is Coppola able to turn these monsters into saints and a half-assed script into one of the most visually pleasing movies I've ever seen. 

Hey, I'm a simple man. I won't deny that the power of rock 'n roll, sweets, and pretty colors swayed me to indulge even the worst of people (and scripts). They did. I hate that I like Marie Antoinette because of how much I love Marie Antoinette.

If you look closely, you can actually see me wearing a maid's outfit on the right side of the picture.

Marie Antoinette KRR: 8.8/10