KRR: So, 'Die Hard' is Still the Ultimate Banger.

 

Look, we all know Die Hard. I'm not going to beat around the bush and pretend that there's any chance you haven't seen it. Because you have. Even if you haven't, you probably still have. At this point, we've had Die Hard on a bus (Speed), on a train (Under Siege 2), on a plane (Con Air), on a plane (Executive Decision), on a plane again (Passenger 57), and a laundry list of other places I can't be bothered to type out. The point is, you've seen Die Hard.

The formula is a simple one. One man must stop a group of criminals/terrorists. There are always hostages. There's always a good reason that one man can't get any back-up. And there's always waaaaaaay too many cheesy one-liners. In the original case of Die Hard, that one man is Bruce Willis' John McClane, a New York cop visiting his estranged wife in Los Angeles for Christmas. The criminals are a twelve-man team led by Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman, posturing as German terrorists while they break into a vault to steal 640 million dollars worth of bonds. The hostages, including McClane's wife Holly, are the employees of Nakatomi Plaza, the fateful office building where this movie takes place. The back-up fighting to get into the building is the LAPD and the FBI, two agencies competing for the title of Most Incompetent. All in all, it's about the most formulaic action movie one could think up. But it's also at the forefront of great action films, and if there's ever been a singular movie that nails that formula - it's this one. 

But hey, the trailer could've told you that.

-SPOILERS AHEAD-

Now, I could talk about all the normal things that people talk about when they talk about Die Hard: the action, whether or not it's a Christmas movie, how amazing Alan Rickman is. But I don't want to talk about that. Yes, the action is spectacular. Yes, it is a Christmas movie. Yes, Alan Rickman is fucking amazing. But we've heard all that before. So, I wanna talk about three little gems this movie has that make it so special, and then its one glaring plot hole. You know I can't help but find things wrong in even the best of movies. But, let's start with the good stuff.

That lighter gives off a lot of light.

Blair watched this movie for the first time last night, and despite it being a relatively stressful movie, they really enjoyed it. (I breathed a sigh of relief. It would've been catastrophic for our relationship if Blair had not enjoyed Die Hard.) We talked about it for awhile after finishing it, and when I asked Blair what their favorite part of the movie was, this was their response: the romance. "The homoerotic romance."

Maybe you're thinking, "What the fuck is Blair talking about??" It's certainly fair if that is what you're thinking. But Blair is right - this movie is lowkey kind of gay. The romance Blair speaks of is the walkie talkie chemistry between John McClane and LAPD officer Al Powell, played by Reginald VelJohnson. Throughout the movie, John and Al are talking over CV radio - John, from various parts of the building, and Al, from just behind the line of duty outside. It's John inside trying to stop the terrorists and Al outside trying to protect him. They've never met before. But they both believe in one another, and as the movie progresses, it's their relationship - not John and Holly's - that becomes the heart of the film.

Seriously, it checks all the boxes of a typical Hollywood movie romance. Most of the character development in the movie is devoted to building the chemistry between the two officers. The most sentimental scene is a conversation where John pours his heart out to Al over walkie talkie. The future both characters talk about wanting is one where their children play together. And the long, slow-motion shot where the love interests finally see each other after being separated for the entire film doesn't happen between John and Holly, but rather between John and Al. Honestly, it's a very touching scene, and an absolutely beautiful capstone for the film's central relationship.

The best on-screen romance pre-Titanic.

While I am 100% in on Blair's take about this being one of, if not, the best part of the movie, there's another reason I love Reginald VelJohnson's character: because he's a stereotypical cop, but not a stereotypical black man. There is a HUGE problem in action movies, especially from the eighties, where all people of color are just playing stereotypes. Asian men are the stereotypical martial arts fighters, black men are gangsters and criminals, Latinx people are illegal immigrants, etc. What I love about Die Hard is its refusal to play into those stereotypes. (For the most part. There is one mention of INS with the only Hispanic character, and it's very cringe.) 

There are three black men in Die Hard, and each is not only a uniquely written character, but each steals the screen every time they're on it. First, there's Argyle, the talkative limo driver who chills in the parking garage for most of the movie, but provides some of the best comedic moments of the film. Then there's Theo, the tech wizard in Hans Gruber's crew, who is almost solely responsible for getting into Nakatomi's vault. Finally, there's the much beloved Al. Many, many action movies from the eighties have not aged well in terms of stereotypes (looking at you Big Trouble in Little China), but Die Hard has not only aged well, it surpasses most modern movies' racial representation. Sure, it has its shortcomings, like the complete lack of plot written for women. But when it comes to men of color, there are few movies with as many likable black men who aren't just playing a stereotype. 

Theo is so likable, I'm basically rooting for him to succeed.

Theo, with his charisma and sharp tongue, is a great transition into what I consider to be the best part of this movie: the script. I think this might have the greatest dialogue ever written. I considered making a list of my favorite lines and including it here, but then I realized I might get sued for copyright infringement when I reproduce the entire movie below. So, I'll hold off on that. Instead, I'll embed the best scene of dialogue, which also happens to have the greatest moment in cinema history.

Every single line in that scene is perfect, and yet they all lead up to - I'll repeat - THE GREATEST MOMENT IN CINEMA HISTORY!!

"Hans! Boobie! I'm your white knight!"

Hart Bochner, who plays sleazeball Ellis, turned it up to 100 in this scene. He's absolutely incredible. Every line is better than the last, and his smug-ass smile at the end is just the cherry on top. I'm also particularly fond of Alan Rickman in this scene, not just because his line delivery is excellent, but for not showing even the slightest sign of breaking character. I wouldn't have been able to do it. Bochner is just so over the top, I would've died every time he opened his mouth. Especially since, and this is the best piece of trivia, he IMPROVISED the greatest moment in cinema history. That stellar line wasn't even written!

Line for line, I'm not sure any movie can ever beat Die Hard. It's a masterpiece. The one-liners are somehow not corny, the line readings are off the charts, and the dialogue is actually better than the action. And that's really saying something, considering Bruce Willis literally BASE jumps off the roof of a skyscraper with a fire hose tied around his waist.

Boom.

Now that I've got that out of my system, allow me a few more minutes to talk about the small things that don't work in this movie. No, I won't be critiquing Bruce Willis' lack of shoes. In fact, I think this actually really helps the movie because he consistently feels like the underdog. And no, I won't be critiquing the fact that the heist is for 640 million dollars worth of bonds. BONDS?! Nor will I even begin to question where Hans Gruber was able to get his hands on an army's worth of artillery. Instead, I'd like to focus on this one building-sized plot hole.

Just over an hour into the film, John McClane drops a bag of C4 down an elevator shaft which detonates near a cache of rockets, causing a massive explosion on the second floor. The explosion literally travels the length of building, blowing up the entire floor. Here's a screenshot with half of the explosion:

Imagine that all the way across.

Now, I don't want to be a Negative Nancy, but it's pretty clear that Nakatomi Plaza is still under construction, and specifically the second floor is far from complete. So, that begs the question: How the hell does the building not collapse right then and there?!

Multiple crates of guided missiles and a backpack full of C4 demolish an unfinished floor of this building, and yet it remains standing?? Of everything to happen in this movie, this is the hardest pill to swallow. The explosion is massive. A fireball shoots like thirty floors up the elevator shaft. It's huge. And yet, the structural integrity of the building seems completely intact. This is not to mention the litany of explosions the building undergoes later. It's not crazy to say this building should be a heap of rubble by the end of the film, but honestly, I don't see how it isn't after this explosion alone. It's genuinely mind-boggling. I guess you just have to chalk it up to the fact that if the building collapsed after this, the movie would be largely uninteresting. All the hostages, dead. John McClane, dead. Hans and crew, dead. There's even a good chance that Argyle, chilling in the parking garage, would be dead. Makes for a pretty bad rest of the movie, I suppose.

Besides that, there's not much wrong with Die Hard. It was awesome in 1988 (by all accounts), and it's still awesome today. When I spun my wheel - I have a wheel with movie genres that I spin to decide the topic of the next blog - and it landed on "action," I knew exactly what movie I wanted to do. It had to be Die Hard. Not because it's one of the greatest action movies of all time, not because it has possibly the best dialogue ever written, but because to understand a movie formula, you have to look at what created it. For the modern action movie, that's Die Hard.

Die Hard! Boobie! I'm your white knight! Now and forever! 

And yes, I fucking love Alan Rickman.

Die Hard KRR: 9.5/10