So, What's the Best Hook-Up Movie Ever?

Margot Robbie and Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street.

*FULL DISCLOSURE: This blog is definitely not safe for work. Its premise - what is the best movie to have sex to? - is inappropriate and my exploration of that very important question will be no better. Enjoy at your own risk, and remember, always use protection.*

The Premise

When I was in high school my girlfriend and I would frequently put on movies in my bedroom, before quickly lapsing into teenage hormones. I'm not gonna get into explicit details, but you can use your imagination. (Come to think of it - Mom, don't use your imagination.) Usually the movie was something just to drown out noise, something we could tune out that didn't kill the mood, and something no one would seriously question us watching. (Episodes of LOST also do this pretty well, but episodes of Friday Night Lights do not.) 

However, there was one very horny time where my girlfriend and I hooked up despite the movie playing. The movie we fucked to? Silver Linings Playbook. The sex? Not great. Turns out watching Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper cry isn't great for libido. 

I told this story last night to a group of friends (a straight girl, a straight guy, a bi girl, and a gay guy - alongside me, a pansexual guy- we're very diverse), and it launched us into a conversation this blog is the product of.

Obviously, Silver Linings Playbook isn't the best hook-up movie. But it begs the question: what is?

*Further disclosure: I understand that anecdote doesn't actually beg that question but it's still a really important question, so we're gonna answer it.*

The process for discerning the best hook-up movie of all time was simple. Our panel of five sexually liberated (albeit frustrated) college upperclassmen voted on every (yes, every) piece of modern cinema, making the case for and against them as hook-up films.

We ended up with eleven contenders, and one winner: the Ultimate Hook-Up Movie. And no, it isn't Silver Linings Playbook.

The Qualifications

Pretty simple stuff here:

1. Does the movie help, kill, or alter the mood? I'll use TV shows as examples since they aren't in contention for this award. For example, Masters of Sex helps the mood. Very sexy stuff. Breaking Bad hurts the mood. Very meth-y stuff. And LOST doesn't alter the mood really at all. Hot cast doing not-so-hot things loudly, pretty neutral.

2. How good looking is the cast? This one is pretty important, because if you have Game of Thrones playing and Kit Harrington, Emilia Clarke, and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau are on the screen - it's Fuck Time; but if it's Peter Dinklage, Alfie Allen, and Aiden Gillan, it's uh... whatever the opposite of Fuck Time is.

3. How well does the sex sync up with the film? I like this category cause it's really vague. The gist of it is: does the plot of the film mess up the sexual moment? I'd say that there are almost no scenes in Mad Men that would seriously throw off a hook-up, but there are equally few scenes in The Eric Andre Show that wouldn't. Basically if I'm about to finish (sorry again Mom), I'd rather see Jon Hamm explaining a Coca-Cola ad with swagger than Eric Andre assaulting a talk-show guest. Maybe that's just me.

That's pretty much all the qualifications. And I know they're essentially all the same thing, but the small differences are important. With those basic rules in place here are the contenders our panel came up with for the crown of the Best Hook-Up Movie Ever.

The Contenders

Inception

Though no one on our panel thought Inception was the best hook-up movie, we couldn't not include it for a few reasons.

The Pros: It has Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy in it, who are - objectively speaking - very good looking. It also has a very good (and loud) soundtrack which may or may not feature a resounding WAAAAAAANH noise. (Spoiler: the movie doesn't actually have that sound but the trailer does. So it loses some points there.) Another pro, it happens to be a very good film that no one would turn down watching and no one would be surprised you were watching.

The Biggest Pro: The main character - who, once again, is played by the very good looking Leonardo DiCaprio - is named Dom Cobb. Which means while you're having sex you'll continually hear characters on the television shout "Dom" or "Cobb" or even "Dom Cobb," and that's kind of hot. I don't know if there's a more sexually suggestive name than Dom Cobb. I actually think Magic Mike gets an Oscar if Mike's name isn't Mike but is instead Dom Cobb.

The Cons: I'm not sure there's a single point in this movie that would be good to notice while you're having sex. The Gravity levels of stress and the Interstellar levels of confusion would really not help the mood, and no matter how much Tom Hardy or DiCaprio you get, you also have to contend with folding buildings and Michael Caine. 

The Biggest Con: God forbid you finish before the movie is over, because if you do, you're basically fucked in terms of enjoying the movie. Even giving this film 200% of your attention, it's hard to follow. I can't even begin to imagine trying to pick it up from the middle, post-orgasm. It'd be unwatchably confusing. (Unwatchably is now a word.)

The Incredibles

Hold on! Before you stop reading because I've included a children's Pixar movie, please consider a few things...

The Pros: No one has to watch this movie while fucking because everyone has seen it (and if you're one of the few people who hasn't, then you probably don't really care to see it). It has got to be one of the easiest movies to tune out because of that. Second, it's actually a pretty good movie, in case you do get sucked in.

The Biggest Pro: Mrs. Incredible and Frozone are low-key (high-key?) kind of hot. FOR CARTOON CHARACTERS. (I can't believe I'm publishing this. Please remember four other people agreed with me on this, and it actually wasn't even me who initially suggested that Elastigirl was kind of thicc.)

The Cons: It's a children's movie. And that's kind of weird.

The Biggest Con: It's a children movie where the main characters are also largely children. Even weirder. I don't wanna get my rocks off to Baby Jack-Jack. (I really can't believe I'm publishing this.)

2001: A Space Odyssey

We're throwing it back to an absolute classic here. Our panel was split on this one. Most of them hadn't seen it; those of us that had agreed it deserved a nod. Here's why and why not.

The Pros: It's two and a half hours long, and far too confusing to follow anyway, so you might as well focus on hooking up. There's no discernible plot to get distracted by. And, this is important, there's such little dialogue and such a good soundtrack, you could almost forget you're watching a movie instead of a strange Kubrick music video.

The Biggest Pro: It has a fucking monolith. And not just any monolith. This monolith.

That's a dope monolith. Very sexy stuff.

The Cons: It's two and a half hours long, and there's almost no way you'd be able to last that long in one go (not with that monolith staring at you), so that means you'd have to pick the movie up from the middle, and that's actually impossible to do. It's the same problem Inception has. Becomes totally unwatchable post-orgasm. Also, most of the dialogue in the movie belongs to a robot, so while you're hitting it from the back you'll have Siri narrating behind you, and while that might be Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson's kink, it certainly isn't universal. 

The Biggest Con: The first half hour of 2001: A Space Odyssey might be the least sexy thing ever put on film. It's literally just monkeys dancing around some rocks for thirty minutes. And while that might be interesting as a movie-watcher, it is about the least arousing thing to have playing during foreplay. And even if you enjoy watching monkeys fuck around, there are so many other better monkey movies to hook-up to. Namely, every Planet of the Apes, every King Kong, most Jumanjis, and probably the live-action Jungle Book.

Amélie

This one split our panel pretty decisively between people who really enjoy the movie and people who don't. In the end, the case for it was made well enough that it warrants mentioning.

The Pros: It's basically the life and times of a French manic pixie dream girl, and for those attracted to women, that's pretty hot. That's the whole case.

The Biggest Pro: It's in French. Sexy.

The Cons: It's a weird slow movie with some particularly not sexy scenes.

The Biggest Con: It's in French. Nasty.

The Matrix

I think action movies tend to compete pretty well for this award. They require a delicate mix of not being overly complicated, having a hot cast, and being extremely loud with little dialogue. The Matrix is a pretty good example of that kind of movie.

The Pros: Keanu Reeves seems like the right place to start. He is, like Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio, very good looking. There's also a lot of shooting in this movie, which means it's loud, and loud is always better. The louder the movie, the louder the sex. There, I said it.

The Biggest Pro: If it works, you're set for at least three more rodeos with The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, and The Matrix 4. What more could you ask for than like ten hours of Keanu-assisted sexual escapades?

The Cons: It does dip into the category of being way too complicated to being have sex to. I don't wanna see anyone's (even Keanu Reeves') brain getting zapped while I, myself, am getting zapped. Also, as much as I adore him as an actor, Laurence Fishburne doesn't exactly get the juices flowing. So there's always that. I'll take the red pill on him please.

The Biggest Con: I'm genuinely concerned if you were watching this movie and you climaxed when the movie does, you could seriously injure yourself. The infamous move that Neo does to dodge all those bullets in slow-mo is simply too good a scene to not try to replicate in the middle of hooking up, and I'm afraid that would result in a lot of back breaking injuries. When you're edging towards orgasm there's no telling what you're willing to put your body through to get the job done.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Not only is The Wolf of Wall Street an extremely sexy film, it's also the best representative for an entire category of very sexy films: like L.A. Confidential, The Great Gatsby, and the movie formerly known as Magic Mike, now known as Dom Cobb.

The Pros: Obviously the cast is very hot. Leo, Margot Robbie, and a just post-Dallas Buyer's Club / gearing-up-for Interstellar Matthew McConaughey. Another pro, it has loads of sex. Literally so much sex. It's basically three hours of Scorsese-directed porn. And that porn is super loud. Lots of screaming in this movie. I know DiCaprio wanted an Oscar for this movie, but really all he did was scream. Is that Oscar worthy? Not in this case. But if you're screaming in The Revenant, then yes, it is. Very Oscar worthy. (Side-note: The panel strongly considered giving the crown to the scene in The Revenant where Leo wrestles a bear, as long as that's the only scene from the movie you hook-up to and it's looped for two hours. Sider-not: By "strongly considered" I mean they didn't really let me make the case for the bear loop.)

The Biggest Pro: Honestly, it's Margot Robbie. She's stunning. She even gets the straight girls going.

The Cons: Too many sweaty stock-brokers. Too many old rich men. Too much Jonah Hill. 

The Biggest Con: Here's the problem with this movie and the real reason it doesn't get the crown (and honestly the reason none of those sexy movies listed above do either): it's too sexy. There is no sex you can be having that tops the drug-fueled excesses of The Wolf of Wall Street or Magic Mike or The Great Gatsby. They're too sexy. The panel voted unanimously that we'd all rather just watch them. 

Indiana Jones

This is the only franchise in its entirety that makes the list, and while I could write about each movie individually, I'm going to spare y'all that and just address the franchise as a hook-up concept.

The Pros: Young Harrison Ford is wildly attractive. And his lady-counterpart in each movie is also wildly attractive. (Yes, even Shia LaBeouf in The Crystal Skull.) They're exciting, easy-to-grasp action movies that aren't particularly distracting but are engaging enough that one wouldn't be opposed to "watching" them with you in bed. It also has a leg up on The Matrix franchise, because these movies as a whole are better.

The Biggest Pro: The whip. Need I say more?

The Cons: While I'm all for a great (and loud, never forget loud) soundtrack in a film, the Indiana Jones sound track is so good it might be hard not to sing along to. Like everyone knows it. On the other hand, this is a pro because it'd be dope to fuck to the Indiana Jones soundtrack.

The Biggest Con: The ending to every movie is pretty disturbing and a real mood-killer. I can't imagine coming close to climaxing only to watch hundreds of Nazis' faces melt off or see women dipped into lava. Just not my kink. Maybe you're into that. The panel wasn't. 

Gladiator

I never thought that one of the most over-blown Oscar winners in history would ever be good for something. But I'd also never thought about hooking up to it, so...

The Pros: Again, a very good looking cast: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, and Connie Nielson. All of whom are scantly clad? Count me in. 

The Biggest Pro: It's basically a kink-fest for anyone even slightly into bondage or rough sex. (I told you this blog was gonna be explicit.) The sheer amount of bare chested fighting is almost overwhelming, but not quite. It's just right. 

The Cons: Joaquin's best scene is his final fight scene where he gets gutted. And that's really a shame because he's quite good looking in this movie. Hate to see him get stabbed by Russell. No, not like that. We'd love to see him get stabbed like that.

The Biggest Con: There is a lot of killing in this movie. Like a lot of people die. Not the least of which are helpless women and children getting trampled to death by horses. Maybe I'm overgeneralizing but I think those scenes would be a pretty universal turn-off, especially because the attention to detail in every death is pretty intense. Brilliant feat for make-up, special effects, and wardrobe, but less than ideal for when you're trying to be intimate.

Mad Max: Fury Road

You might have begun to notice that as the list progresses, the best hook-up movies are becoming the loudest, hottest, most action-packed. Well guess what? This is the loudest, hottest, most action-packed movie yet.

The Pros: Tons of cool shit happening at all times. And as anyone can tell you, cool shit happening always makes sex better. That's why Silver Linings Playbook is one of the worst hook-up movies of all time. Not very much cool shit happening in that one. Mostly sad shit. Lots of tears. Crying sex. But yeah, Mad Max: Fury Road is not that. The entire movie is a long road trip featuring a super sexy butch Charlize Theron and loads of explosions. I don't remember much from my high school sex-ed class but I do remember my teacher warning us against having sex in the presence of Charlize Theron and explosions: it leads to too many unexpected pregnancies. Seriously sexy stuff.

The Biggest Pro: Tom Hardy is technically the main character, but all he does is grunt. I genuinely don't remember him doing anything in this movie except driving, shooting, and grunting. And simply put, that's pretty hot. I think my sex-ed teacher warned us against the arousing perils of Tom Hardy grunting too. 

The Cons: The movie is far too engaging to be focused entirely on the sex you're having. It's probably one of the 100 best movies ever made, and it deserves a lot of attention. I'd feel bad for fucking through the film, much like how I felt bad for fucking through Silver Linings Playbook. It's just disrespectful. (Fun fact, I rewatched Silver Linings Playbook a few weeks later because I felt like I'd disrespected the artistry of the film so badly by hooking up instead of watching it.) Mad Max: Fury Road falls into that same boat.

The Biggest Con: Everyone besides Charlize and Tom is booty-face ugly. Like really, really, really ugly. Like I'm pretty sure you'd go dry or flaccid the second your eyes crossed paths with this fucking guy.

So yeah... Moving on.

Avatar

Hear us out, hear us out! I know you've put up with so much up until now, but I promise you you're so close to the end. All you have to do is hear why Avatar is the runner-up and then you'll know the winner. I'll try to make this quick.

The Pros: A very good movie. A very long movie. A very loud movie. We've established these are all important for hook-up culture.

The Biggest Pro: Okay, like, I don't know how to say this without it being weird, but um... the Avatars are kind of hot? Right? Like they're kind of hot...? Zoe Saldana as a blue alien thing who fucks with her hair. Hot. No? Just us? 

The Cons: Honestly, they're few and far between. This movie is so easy to tune out because everyone in the world has seen it (except somehow, some members of our panel...) Beyond that, it's a very pretty movie and the bright colors would make the sex far more stimulating I think. Wait, damn. The cons just became another list of pros...

The Biggest Con: Okay, yeah, it's probably that the Avatars aren't hot, but I won't admit that. We thought they're hot. If you disagree you can go fuck yourself. 

The Winner

Dunkirk

What the fuck, right? That's what you're thinking. "Dunkirk?!" Yeah, I know. But this was a unanimous decision. Allow me to explain.

The Pros: It's quite possibly the loudest movie ever created. It's the only film I've had to cover my ears during. I straight up saw people with earplugs in the theater. (Therefore, it also doubles as the Best Movie to Kill Somebody During, but that's a different blog.) It also has almost no dialogue, which means there's very little to get distracted by. On top of that, the soundtrack is epic. Absolutely worth fucking to. Another absolute pro, the cast is respectably good looking in a way that isn't distracting. Yes, it has Tom Hardy and Harry Styles (*begins panting*) but they're well covered enough that it isn't too distracting. It isn't like naked Margot Robbie and Dom Cobb are staring you down, absolutely eclipsing whoever you could possibly be hooking up with. So yes, I'm all for super sexy Charlize Theron, but I'm more for a good looking cast that doesn't make me feel bad about my own choice of sexual partners.

The Biggest Pro: Mild spoiler alert, there's a plot twist at the end of this movie that's entirely forgettable. In fact, everyone on our panel has seen this movie and almost none of us remembered that there was a plot twist. I contend that if you climax right at the climax of the movie (during the plot twist) it goes from being one of the most forgettable plot twists in cinema history to one of the most memorable and important plot twists in cinema history. If the entire film clicks into place right as you orgasm, it would be a transcendental experience. It might be as close to nirvana as we can achieve in our every day lives.

The Cons: There aren't any. Even if you have the unfortunate accident of climaxing before the movie's climax, it's an incredibly easy film to pick up in the middle. Also, unlike Gladiator, none of the deaths are particularly gruesome or detailed. People just kind of die and they move on quickly. It has slow moments. It has action-packed moments. It is - like any good hook-up - varied in rhythm, pace, and taste.

The Biggest Con: I'll probably never hook-up to Dunkirk, and will thus live an unfulfilled life. Looks like I'm stuck with Silver Linings Playbook.

Woe is I. May Dunkirk live on as the Best Hook-Up Movie of All Time.